My Determination…

There I was in my weekly therapy session in December of 2008 talking to my therapist.  After explaining all my problems I had from the time I was little till then, which included me just starting to live out of my car for two months.  She asked a question that till this day I have been unable to answer.  That question she asked me was “where is my determination to go on coming from?”  She said that most people she seen in my situation isn’t as determine to get them self out of these situation time after time.  She stated that my moral and my determination is keeping me from giving up.  So, she asked again where all this determination coming from?  My answer to her was very simple.  I said "I don’t know”, which is the truth.  But since that session and the previous sessions till today, I couldn’t tell you.  But last night as I was sitting here watching TV and playing on the computer, something hit me.  Maybe my determination comes from my attempted suicide back in 1990?

I’m not going to lie, I really didn’t have the best high school years.  Since then, nothing much in a way of me has change.  I still have low self-esteem problems, still sit around on Friday’s and Saturday’s dateless.  After work or school over the years, would just come home and eat while watching TV and then go to bed to do the same thing over and over.  I just been going through the motion in life.  For me meeting friends isn’t really not that hard of a job.  It’s finding the significant other that has been tough.  But that’s for another story at another time.  So last night as I was watching TV, a thought came to my mind that might be an answer to the question that my therapist asked me about my determination.

You see, after my attempted suicide, I made a pact with myself that no matter how low I am in life, that suicide will never be an option or answer to my solution.  When I saw how many people I hurt back then with my suicide attempt, I made this pact.  I rather suffer myself than see people around me suffer like back then.  Is it this pact that is making me determined that every time I’m faced with a problem that this determination comes out to help me beat the problem?  All I know is when my back is up against the wall is when I’m more focused and do some of my best work.  I’m determined to beat whatever is put in front of me to make myself better.

And there is one promise that I will make to everyone and anybody that no matter how depressed I sound on twitter, this blog, text, facebook, and etc that suicide is not an option in my book.  That you can take to the bank.

TL