My Emotions…

Ever since my attempted suicide, I have been kind of emotional when it comes to things.  But I always played it off as my attempted suicide that I was emotional.  But it’s not totally true.  There is a second cause now at that is my diabetes.  Back on April 17, 2008, I was admitted into the hospital for Cellulites Infection.  It was during this stay that I was also diagnosed with diabetes.  Ever since then I have been very emotional.  For example, the day I got out of the hospital, I had to go back to my place and watch total strangers come in and basically take my stuff for practically nothing.  My mom and sister in law would be asking me if I need this or that and if I didn’t need it it would be thrown away.  It was just way to much for me and I literally broke down crying.  Here is a 34 year old guy crying to a point that I had to excuse myself to gather myself.  The emotions that was running through me was way to much for me.  This wasn’t the last time either that I broke down crying like this.

Over the coming months, my situation continue to worse after I finally was healed.  I basically lost my job, I did lose my apartment and had now where to live.  My life was spiraling downward and I seemed to been unable to stop it.  I was able to stay with my best friend Chris and his family for a few months before I started living out of my car in October of 2008 until March 2009.  Then I ended up having to give up my car but thankful that my trucker friend, Michael asked me to come on the road with him in the truck.  I did this for a few months before Michael ended up getting a new job and that caused me to be unable to ride along with him.  He was able to talk his dad, Doug, in allowing me stay with him for about a month or two before I wore out my welcome I guess you can say?  But then I was able to stay with Richard and Cathy in July, which was only supposed to be a month but was there until December 2009.  But it was here that I was able to start getting back on my feet slowly.  Just having a roof over my head is a big relief that I don’t think to many people understand that much.  After having this basic need met, I was able to focus on finding that job.  It took a while but in August I was able to nail down one of six positions that the Brighton Center had for AmeriCorps VISTA thanks to Denise.  But of course couldn’t start until the middle of September.

I tell you this to show you that over the last two years I cried a lot but was determined to get myself back.  As you can tell also I have a lot of people to thank for their help and support over the last two years.  There is my mom and Ed for helping me recover from my Cellulites Infection and changing my wounds, Chris and his family for allowing me to stay with them, Michael and his dad for letting me stay with them, and Richard and Cathy doing the same staying with them.  There was also Brett and my sister in law that helped clean out my old apartment.  There is a lot of other people that helped me that I’m very grateful for.

So, when April 17, 2010 came along, what did I do?  You got it, just thinking about this brought back memories that made me cry like a baby.  As I looked back over this two year of me being homeless and no job, it was hard for me.  My emotions were up and down like a yo-yo.  So, between April 17, 2010 and my birthday May 18, 2010 is going to be very emotional for me.  This is my first birthday with a roof and a place to call my own since my homelessness.  In 2008, I was recovering from my wounds and in 2009, I was in a semi truck in some state that I don’t remember.  This birthday coming up, I’m going to have a job, some real plans for a birthday, and a place to celebrate my birthday.  I’m sure before my birthday I will cry one more time or so.  Heck, over this weekend I cried as memories came flooding back to me as I rode the bus for the first time to Ft Thomas to help out with a food drive.  I used to take this bus all the time there before I got a car.

I know what you are thinking?  TL, crying is for sissies?  I’m here to tell you it’s not.  Every night there is an homeless person or families that is crying them self to sleep.  Crying is like a cleanser of the soul?  It helps them get rid of the bad and let’s them know that they are still human.  As I slowly continue to get back on my feet, there will be many more times that I’ll be crying.  But for me, it’s after a memory that I relived.  If you are lucky to see me cry in front of you, that tear or tears you see rolling down my face is pain that that memory caused being taken away.

From the bottom of my heart, I want to thank Bret, Christine, Danny, Ed, my mom, Chris and family, Michael, Doug, Richard and Cathy, Denise, my co workers, and whoever I forgot.  Again thank you!

TL