My Birthday…

As all of you all know, today was my birthday.  I must be honest though.  This birthday was by far probably one of my best I ever had.  What made it the best?  It’s the company of friends, families, and co-workers that I hung out with that made it one of the best birthdays.  Especially, since my last three birthdays have been pretty, well, down.  You see, three years ago, my birthday of 2007 I basically forgot about my own birthday until a friend call me the day after to wish me a happy birthday and I told him that my birthday hasn’t occurred.  That’s when he told me it was the following day.  2007 was the year I had the longest interview ever for the interim manager position that I was already doing.  It was this job that lead me to being in the hospital for a week.  So, 2008’s birthday was me recuperating from being in the hospital with Cellulites Infection.  Then in 2009, I was homeless living out of a semi truck traveling the US with a trucker friend of mine.  Those were my last three birthdays.  So, I was determine to make this a great birthday for 2010.  I must say I pulled it off.

You see, I had a co-worker that owed me a lunch and she asked me back in March when I wanted to go out to lunch?  She told me to pick a time, date, and place.  So, I decided that I pick my birthday, May 18th as the date for her to pay me back and the place was Dewey’s.  Then since then, my office mate that I share an office with started asking a few other co-workers and so did I.  So, I had like 7 to 10 people that were wanting to go to my birthday lunch.  A few people dropped out, there were 6 people that went and the whole time we just laughed, talked, and laughed a lot more.  It was something I really needed.  It allowed me to forget about my previous birthdays.  It’s the small things that makes me happy.  Things like hanging out with friends, families, and co-workers, being taken out for lunches and dinners, and just plain having fun.  It’s not about gifts for me than hanging with people and sharing a few laughs.

But I must tell you a few gifts I did get.  You see, I might be 36 years old but I act like a 13 year old at heart.  I’m amused easily.  I just like to laugh and smile.  That’s what these gifts did.  But I don’t know how much my co-workers know how happy I am of my gifts or what they have gotten their self into.  My first gift (in a way) was a blue boo baa.  Ever heard of a Boo Baa?  This is what a boo baa looks like. People think it looks like me?  Let’s compare?  Here is a picture of me.  What do you think?  Any resemblance?  The funny thing about this boo baa is when you squeeze its hand, it dances and some other actions that is just hilarious.  Everybody that comes into our office laughs their asses off but then say how much it looks like me.

The office that I share with another VISTA is being called the “Answer Centre”.  We have all the answers to any questions.  We don’t care what the question is.  It can be about life, about work, about relationships, or whatever you want to know we will have the answer.  So, we have a new weapon now that we can use to finalize our answers.  Meet the Whomp It.  This is a very bad gift for me to have.  I mean this in a good way.  I’m the type of person that will carry this around the office and just hit things with it.  *lol*  It might actually get me in trouble?

It’s hard to believe that these two things bring happiness and joy to me.  People might not want to believe it or can’t believe I would actually play with stuff like this but I can’t help it when I’m a kid at heart.

So, things like this is why I was so happy today and thrilled to have friends, families, and co-workers that’s willing to put up with me.  It was a relief to have a great birthday unlike my last three birthdays.  So, I’m actually starting to get unstressed and relaxing now from my situation.  Well, back to doing laundry.  Enjoy and until next time.  Have fun!

TL

My Emotions…

Ever since my attempted suicide, I have been kind of emotional when it comes to things.  But I always played it off as my attempted suicide that I was emotional.  But it’s not totally true.  There is a second cause now at that is my diabetes.  Back on April 17, 2008, I was admitted into the hospital for Cellulites Infection.  It was during this stay that I was also diagnosed with diabetes.  Ever since then I have been very emotional.  For example, the day I got out of the hospital, I had to go back to my place and watch total strangers come in and basically take my stuff for practically nothing.  My mom and sister in law would be asking me if I need this or that and if I didn’t need it it would be thrown away.  It was just way to much for me and I literally broke down crying.  Here is a 34 year old guy crying to a point that I had to excuse myself to gather myself.  The emotions that was running through me was way to much for me.  This wasn’t the last time either that I broke down crying like this.

Over the coming months, my situation continue to worse after I finally was healed.  I basically lost my job, I did lose my apartment and had now where to live.  My life was spiraling downward and I seemed to been unable to stop it.  I was able to stay with my best friend Chris and his family for a few months before I started living out of my car in October of 2008 until March 2009.  Then I ended up having to give up my car but thankful that my trucker friend, Michael asked me to come on the road with him in the truck.  I did this for a few months before Michael ended up getting a new job and that caused me to be unable to ride along with him.  He was able to talk his dad, Doug, in allowing me stay with him for about a month or two before I wore out my welcome I guess you can say?  But then I was able to stay with Richard and Cathy in July, which was only supposed to be a month but was there until December 2009.  But it was here that I was able to start getting back on my feet slowly.  Just having a roof over my head is a big relief that I don’t think to many people understand that much.  After having this basic need met, I was able to focus on finding that job.  It took a while but in August I was able to nail down one of six positions that the Brighton Center had for AmeriCorps VISTA thanks to Denise.  But of course couldn’t start until the middle of September.

I tell you this to show you that over the last two years I cried a lot but was determined to get myself back.  As you can tell also I have a lot of people to thank for their help and support over the last two years.  There is my mom and Ed for helping me recover from my Cellulites Infection and changing my wounds, Chris and his family for allowing me to stay with them, Michael and his dad for letting me stay with them, and Richard and Cathy doing the same staying with them.  There was also Brett and my sister in law that helped clean out my old apartment.  There is a lot of other people that helped me that I’m very grateful for.

So, when April 17, 2010 came along, what did I do?  You got it, just thinking about this brought back memories that made me cry like a baby.  As I looked back over this two year of me being homeless and no job, it was hard for me.  My emotions were up and down like a yo-yo.  So, between April 17, 2010 and my birthday May 18, 2010 is going to be very emotional for me.  This is my first birthday with a roof and a place to call my own since my homelessness.  In 2008, I was recovering from my wounds and in 2009, I was in a semi truck in some state that I don’t remember.  This birthday coming up, I’m going to have a job, some real plans for a birthday, and a place to celebrate my birthday.  I’m sure before my birthday I will cry one more time or so.  Heck, over this weekend I cried as memories came flooding back to me as I rode the bus for the first time to Ft Thomas to help out with a food drive.  I used to take this bus all the time there before I got a car.

I know what you are thinking?  TL, crying is for sissies?  I’m here to tell you it’s not.  Every night there is an homeless person or families that is crying them self to sleep.  Crying is like a cleanser of the soul?  It helps them get rid of the bad and let’s them know that they are still human.  As I slowly continue to get back on my feet, there will be many more times that I’ll be crying.  But for me, it’s after a memory that I relived.  If you are lucky to see me cry in front of you, that tear or tears you see rolling down my face is pain that that memory caused being taken away.

From the bottom of my heart, I want to thank Bret, Christine, Danny, Ed, my mom, Chris and family, Michael, Doug, Richard and Cathy, Denise, my co workers, and whoever I forgot.  Again thank you!

TL

My Determination…

There I was in my weekly therapy session in December of 2008 talking to my therapist.  After explaining all my problems I had from the time I was little till then, which included me just starting to live out of my car for two months.  She asked a question that till this day I have been unable to answer.  That question she asked me was “where is my determination to go on coming from?”  She said that most people she seen in my situation isn’t as determine to get them self out of these situation time after time.  She stated that my moral and my determination is keeping me from giving up.  So, she asked again where all this determination coming from?  My answer to her was very simple.  I said "I don’t know”, which is the truth.  But since that session and the previous sessions till today, I couldn’t tell you.  But last night as I was sitting here watching TV and playing on the computer, something hit me.  Maybe my determination comes from my attempted suicide back in 1990?

I’m not going to lie, I really didn’t have the best high school years.  Since then, nothing much in a way of me has change.  I still have low self-esteem problems, still sit around on Friday’s and Saturday’s dateless.  After work or school over the years, would just come home and eat while watching TV and then go to bed to do the same thing over and over.  I just been going through the motion in life.  For me meeting friends isn’t really not that hard of a job.  It’s finding the significant other that has been tough.  But that’s for another story at another time.  So last night as I was watching TV, a thought came to my mind that might be an answer to the question that my therapist asked me about my determination.

You see, after my attempted suicide, I made a pact with myself that no matter how low I am in life, that suicide will never be an option or answer to my solution.  When I saw how many people I hurt back then with my suicide attempt, I made this pact.  I rather suffer myself than see people around me suffer like back then.  Is it this pact that is making me determined that every time I’m faced with a problem that this determination comes out to help me beat the problem?  All I know is when my back is up against the wall is when I’m more focused and do some of my best work.  I’m determined to beat whatever is put in front of me to make myself better.

And there is one promise that I will make to everyone and anybody that no matter how depressed I sound on twitter, this blog, text, facebook, and etc that suicide is not an option in my book.  That you can take to the bank.

TL